fall in love
without you.

You don’t think I miss you?

You can convince yourself that I never cared, that I never loved you, and that I ruined your life but you know none of that is true. I cared enough to stay around when you were up AND down, so don’t you dare say I didn’t try. I tried more than anyone, and you know that is the cold hard truth. I loved you, I couldn’t let go of you because I wanted to save you. I watched someone I was in love with fall through the cracks of addiction, and I was supposed to sit there and stay strong. No one gave a fuck about how much it hurt me deep down, to do everything I could for you and it still wasn’t enough. I brought you home, for one night. Just one night, to clear my head. I had every intention of picking you up the next morning, I didn’t have plans and it stayed that way. You threatened to hurt yourself because I wanted one night alone. I gave you everything, every single thing I had, and you couldn’t give me the one night of space I asked for. You couldn’t give me enough respect to not threaten to hurt yourself over something so minuscule. We weren’t even arguing beforehand, I just needed time to think. This is the last I’m ever going to write about it because I can’t take it anymore. I forgive you, even though you’ll never say sorry. I hope what I did, does give you the motivation you needed all along. It’s saddening to see it come down to this, but if it’s helping you get sober then I guess it’s a blessing in disguise. I never meant to hurt you.

Why did you even bother to call and text me?

Was it a joke? I replied and you didn’t. I knew I shouldn’t have. Stupid girl. Stupid fucking girl. All I will ever be is a joke to you. I wouldn’t even wish for you to go through this much pain. I guess that’s the difference between us. I wasn’t pretending.

Norah Jones - Don’t know why, keeps playing in my head.

I don’t deserve this.

I miss you (or who I thought you were)

I almost called you on valentines day. But I reminded myself that the you I remember, is not the real you. All of the memories I have are just a fairytale that we created. It’s the most beautiful, fucked up piece of my entire life. I still think about it all of the time, and I wonder if you do too. But again, I remind myself that you wouldn’t wonder, because wondering stems from caring, which is something you never truly did. So, I will continue my life, convincing myself that I don’t love you, I love the person I thought you were.

So you just brought up something I don’t even want to think about. I was in a really good mood tonight, and now all I can think about is him and what happened and all of the lies that came along with the entire thing.

I feel like such an asshole, thanks.

Take you down another level, get you dancing with the devil. Take a shot of this, but I’m warning you I’m on that shit that you can’t smell baby, so put down your perfume.

Bring your love baby I could bring my shame,
bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain.
I got my heart right here, I got my scars right here.

I never meant to start a war, I just wanted you to let me in.

I guess that’s what happens when you open yourself up to someone. When you tell them all of the little details about you, that you thought were insignificant to anyone, while sitting in a bathtub together until 5 in the morning. It makes you feel so at peace and so loved. You trust them without making them earn it, and it just feels right. You feel safe. You smile like a child in elementary school and your eyes light up with happiness over the smallest things. When you wake up everyday feeling like you mean something to someone, you wont ever want to feel anything else. Its when you’re alive instead of just living. You have memories that you’ll keep buried deep in your heart, for the rest of your life, that no one can replace. But you know what sucks? That you’ll never let another person get that close to you, because in the end, they rip your fucking heart out and laugh at everything you thought you had.

Listening to a mixed cd called “MANIA” remembering things I wish I could forget.